The Heroic Art of Poaching an Egg

Michael Cunningham (@Michael1979) knows shit and stuff. He also poaches eggs.

2 slices of bread
1 egg (room temperature)
Half tablespoon of vinegar
Black pepper
1. Check kitchen for dangerous wild animals. If none are visible, proceed (with caution). If any wild animals are present, abandon egg-poaching plan indefinitely.
2. Fill your kettle with water, you lunatic, and switch it on. If you don’t have a kettle, ask yourself some serious questions about where your life is headed.
3. Locate an egg in your kitchen. If necessary, fight off any ninjas who may be guarding the egg. Crack the egg into a bowl.
4. Decide upon your absolute favourite type of bread. Look in your bread bin and be disappointed that you don’t have any of that bread. Pop two slices of whatever bread you do have into your toaster (if you don’t have a toaster, buy a toaster).
5. Before the water in your kettle boils (90 degrees celcius works best, you scoundrel), pour it into a saucepan and put it on the hob at a very low heat.
6. Add a half tablespoon of vinegar. Try not to drink any of the vinegar, you buffoon. That’s a mild acid, for Christ’s sake.

7. Take a slotted spoon (that means it’s got holes in it, you misfit) and stir the water clockwise* so that it starts to form a small whirlpool. Very gently slide your egg into this whirlpool. Within a few seconds, it should look something like this:


8. After one minute, turn the heat off completely on the hob. Yes, you heard me. Off. Completely. We’re going it alone from here.

9. Your toast should be ready by now. Butter it. Cut one of the slices diagonally. Not horizontally. You’re not an animal.

10. 90 seconds after you turned the heat off, use the slotted spoon to carefully take the now fully poached egg from the saucepan. Place it atop the full slice of toast. The triangular slices should be consumed last as there is very likely to be a dippable yellow mess on your plate that looks like a Simpson melted.

11. Avoid your natural temptation to use the now redundant slotted spoon as part of some sordid sex game, you despicable pervert.

12. Apply black pepper to the poached egg.

13. Pat yourself on the back and then eat it, you absolute menace.

* Do not under any circumstances stir the water in an anti-clockwise direction. That will send you back in time to Nazi-era Germany.

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