The Heroic Art of Poaching an Egg
Michael Cunningham (@Michael1979) knows shit and stuff. He also poaches eggs.
7. Take a slotted spoon (that means it’s got holes in it, you misfit) and stir the water clockwise* so that it starts to form a small whirlpool. Very gently slide your egg into this whirlpool. Within a few seconds, it should look something like this:
8. After one minute, turn the heat off completely on the hob. Yes, you heard me. Off. Completely. We’re going it alone from here.
9. Your toast should be ready by now. Butter it. Cut one of the slices diagonally. Not horizontally. You’re not an animal.
10. 90 seconds after you turned the heat off, use the slotted spoon to carefully take the now fully poached egg from the saucepan. Place it atop the full slice of toast. The triangular slices should be consumed last as there is very likely to be a dippable yellow mess on your plate that looks like a Simpson melted.
11. Avoid your natural temptation to use the now redundant slotted spoon as part of some sordid sex game, you despicable pervert.
12. Apply black pepper to the poached egg.
* Do not under any circumstances stir the water in an anti-clockwise direction. That will send you back in time to Nazi-era Germany.